Kings’ Corner

Updates And Thoughts For The New Year 

 

I was reminiscing about the last year and thinking about the future year and came to a few conclusions about what I was doing and what I intend not to do this year.  I intend to put more responsibility upon my spouse to ‘choose’ instead of insisting upon right choices.  I was insisting due to his previous strokes, but now he has recovered sufficiently to start making decisions for himself.  

Maternal instincts die hard, but one has to release the person to make decisions after one sees little decisions being made well.  Even for ones’ child it has to be done for the future development of that child.  When do we let go?  When the person fights for control and makes enough good decisions to release them with a watchful eye to their future right decisions.

When we have children or an older spouse or parent and growth, in a child, or health issues arise with the spouse or parent, we need to release them to be as independent as possible, and, as I have discovered, that decision can be quite a compromise!  Out of care and fear we can try to control the person too much and smother their potential either to grow, if a child, or become more self-sufficient if a spouse or parent.

Those decisions have been the hardest trial of the last year and the most stressful.  You cannot let go just because they are fighting you for control.  Especially if bad decisions are being made.  If one can reward good behavior and good decisions with more control and independence based upon good behavior and good decisions, then the caregiver can get some rest as well.  Never can control be given just because we get tired and we don’t want to deal with the problem any more, as it is just too hard…that would be cowardly behavior on the part of the caregiver.

The scriptures tell us not to be weary in well-doing.  Would you want someone to give up on you and leave you in a health issue situation where you would be on your own even though you thought you were ok?  I do not think so.  Well, whenever I lost my temper or became weary with the task before me and it would have been  easier to give up, God would always impress upon me the question, “Would you want someone who could help you, to leave you in the situation from stroke or whatever health issue they may have?”  My answer is, “No” and God would always impress upon me His command, “Then get back out there and help them!”  My answer would always be, “Yes Sir,” and back into the battle I would go, and, it is a battle!

Do not think I am supporting the notion of an Alcoholic or Drug Abuser, Gambler, Violent Abuser, etc., as they are responsible and take control of their own decisions.  And, you cannot help them unless they want to be helped and I am not talking about manipulation either.  Anyone that has dealt with either of those scenarios know what I am talking about.  

Until they are down so low, or hit bottom, and cry for help, you cannot help them as they will use any help you try to give them to further their Alcoholism or Drug Abuse, etc.  You help them, by not helping them.  You can watch from afar, pray for them, try to make sure they have food and shelter when you can…but, Ultimately, they are in control of their own lives!!

This seems such a dark subject to be addressing today, but a needed one, as care givers are increasing and they are plagued by guilt and having to make decisions every day that impact their emotional well-being.  If they want to survive to help their loved one with health issues, they have to know how to take care of themselves and be able to help their loved one.  

If the loved one is health-impaired, but abusive or violent, the care giver cannot tolerate that behavior.  Thank God I have not had that problem, but others have and to further help that loved one, the care giver must take action either to a nursing home or etc.

There is no shame in knowing when, where, and how to help your loved one without supporting, enabling and enhancing their problem. So, all of you care givers out there in the everyday world, take heart!  Do the best you can to help your loved ones, but know what you can do, what God has to do and you can’t!  Each person will have to come to that decision at some point and they need to know they are making the right decision.  No one can tell you what or when that is…that is strictly your decision!

It is always good to get counsel from doctors, friends and family that know your situation, but ultimately, the decision is yours!  Myself, I fight to the very end of the situation or my strength. I see the problem as war with many battles designed to end the war or squelch the problem.  I can only accomplish that scenario by Gods’ help!  So far, so good, in my experience!!! I continuously express my admiration to my spouse concerning the accomplishments he has made thus far.  I also let him know, I don’t know that I could have overcome half of what he has!  He has more overcoming to do and I expect him to win there as well!

 

“I Hope I Helped Someone Today”

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